90

Today isn't anything to some of you. Some of you haven't woken up to the sunshine yet. For some, today is "just another day".

Today is unfortunately a day from someone's worst nightmare. Death. Divorce. Whatever. Today is a few days after someone's birthday. Today is absolute shit for someone.

Today is a lot of different things for a lot of different people.

For me, today is a day I'll never forget. A positive one. A monumental one and a far more encouraging one that I'd ever imagined.

It's day 90.

It's also a day I've finally felt like saying something about it. A day to post a ramble about it. A day to just write it out and, at times, not even make total sense about it.

So, cheers.

Here's to 90 days... 90 days of being completely sober. No alcohol. None. Not one sip. And you know what's weird? I don't miss that asshole one bit. 

I want to continue on. Sober. Without that shit in my life. I hate the commercials. I hate the signs. I hate the thought of it. I still remember the taste of it at times and I hate that too. I hate what I became. 

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think back to the many times where having enough to drink was the main concern for the day. Or the times I'd stop at a store and drink in my car in the parking lot during my commute home. Or the times I'd keep drinking so I could sleep at night. Every night. 

There was that one Sunday many months ago that I went the entire day with nothing to drink. I woke up the next day proud of myself and thinking "I went a WHOLE DAY with no beer. I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm going to celebrate. TONIGHT!"

I celebrated. That day. At 11am. Until 11pm. I think.

I was actually not okay. I wasn't fine. I couldn't stand the thought of not drinking or running low on my oh-so-great supply.

I want to move forward with what I've learned about myself, what I've learned about my new way of doing things, and carry with me the damage I caused myself, my family, my kids, and everyone in my life and truly make it better. Better than ever.

I will carry on.

With the help, support, and love I have, there is no way I couldn't go forward. 

I don't fully believe in "never look back" or "good things come to those who wait" or any of that bullshit jargon. It's all just that. Jargon. I made mistakes. I want something better for everyone around me, myself, and the lives affected by those mistakes.

So yes, I WILL "look back" from time-to-time and see how far things have come.

I WONT "wait for good things". I shall go out and earn that shit. Every single ounce of it. All of it.

To my loving wife, adorable children, and heartfelt friends that have gotten me this far, you will not be let down. Ever again. I was a mess. A giant mess. A fat, lazy, defiant mess. 

I refuse to be that again.

WordsAnt Sanders